Real F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I have been criticized for writing columns using words which are allegedly too unfamiliar and I am told some readers keep a dictionary at hand before they go through my write-ups. Believe me; it is least of my intention to scare off readers. I chose words that I considered at the time of writing would best express the nuances of the thoughts I wanted to convey. Of course, in theory, it is possible to express any idea, however complex, using just 1500 English words. For non-native speakers of English, this is great news. Linguistic pioneer Jean-Paul Nerrière draws upon this versatility of words and has invented a stripped-down version of English language called ‘Globish’ to cater to second-generation speakers of English. If you want to know more about this simple variant of English language, visit globish.com. 

Then, there is one of my favourite dictionaries: The Longman English Dictionary. It defines every word using a mere 2000-word strong vocabulary. Let’s see how it gives the meaning of a word, say, “friendship”. Here it is: “a relationship between friends/the feelings and behaviour that exist between friends”. Easy, simple and to the point. Other dictionaries like Oxford sets you on a wild goose chase. Sometimes, in order to understand one word, you have to search for the meaning of the words used in defining the word itself in a never ending chain reaction.   

But writing is tricky. A writer has to constantly make tradeoffs between sounding too simplistic and high browed. The topic also influences the composition of words too—projection of intellectual depth, vocabulary and tone. If someone is writing on a very serious philosophical issue dealing with the purpose of life in metaphysical terms, the tone and vocabulary used in the piece should also be sober, which will be different from doing a profile on Sunny Leone, the porn star in the Big Boss. However, the thumb-rule is always to choose the shorter and familiar word if it doesn’t change what you want to say, which will keep the readers at ease and make them your friends. 

Today, let me write about friendship using friendly next-door-girl kind of language and discuss about the different dimensions of friendship in both online and offline realms. Please forget the dictionary, and recall the names of your childhood friends now.   

I don’t know about you, my best friends are from the school I attended over more than a decade ago in St George High School, Imphal. This is no coincidence. A majority of the people I asked share the same sentiment: friendships from school are forever like diamonds. Seeds of real life-long friendships were sown during school days, so to say, and they keep growing into our adulthood as the years pass by. 

There’s something about them. All our school mates may not be our BFFs now, but they live and occupy a place in our hearts unlike any other friendships forged later in college, university or workplace. This may be because they are the ones with whom we shared the longest period of time during our younger days. Imagine meeting the same set of people daily, day in and day out, doing the same activity, wearing the same uniform, eating from the same tiffin boxes and listening to the same teachers—all inside the same four walls. If grownups are thrown into that kind of cloistered and close existence for that long duration, many of them would end up marrying one another. Fortunately, we were little boys and girls learning, evolving, playing together and influencing one another—not for a month or two, but for over a decade. It’s no surprise that those years represent the most beautiful memories of our lives.

After school, we graduated to college and university where we met new peers and formed new companionships. We were entering an adult world and got initiated into a life marked by transactions, slowly leaving behind our innocence. You give me this, I will give you that. Adult friendships based on cost benefit analysis. We started having friends with benefits, whatever that means. 

Of course, we found other soulmates along the way as we grew older but nothing could beat the camaraderie and the sincerity of the friendships from our school days. They linger even when we thought they have disappeared from our lives. We bump into them at the social gatherings like weddings and at places where they are least expected: public loos, for example. Shall we shake hands? 

Some friends are like our pajama. We practically cohabitate with them and on daily basis plan, plot, scheme things, including most personal and private, and execute them together. Such friends are not many and are countable on fingers. They know us thoroughly—our dark secrets, weaknesses, likes and dislikes, hobbies — and we can list out their most subtle idiosyncrasies. Sociologists say they are our strong ties and developing such friendships demands our huge emotional investment and devotion of our time to them. For this reason, there may be just five to fifteen close friends of this type at the most. What defines these interpersonal relationships is the lack of selfish transactional interests. Promoting the best interests of the friends is the primary reason for the relationship, rather than keeping a score of our contributions and unmet obligations from them. They are the people we would call first when we meet with an accident or when your girlfriend dumps you on your birthday. 

For me, my inner circle happen to be filled with friends from school. That’s why I said the most valuable friendships originate from classrooms. All other friends that we collected over the years after we left school are weak ties and we don’t have enough time, neither the inclination, nor emotional connection to deepen the relationship. We say hi and they hi us back at the occasional encounters we chanced upon. And that’s that. A long hiatus follows. 

Then Facebook came along and it has changed everything. FB has blurred the distinction between strong ties and week ties, and the distant friends have suddenly become privy to our personal details that we put up on Facebook. 

The question remains: are our Facebook friends real? At last count, I have 1000 plus FB friends? Can they all be my pajama friends? Impossible. I haven’t even met 10 percent of these cyber acquaintances, and the chances of meeting them at all are pretty slim. 

If Wikipedia’s definition of friendship is to be the benchmark for sorting our true friends, then very few friends in FB would qualify as our friends in any real sense of the term. 

Consider this: according to Wikipedia, friends should demonstrate the following on a consistent basis: “the tendency to desire what is best for the other, sympathy and empathy; honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth; enjoyment of each other’s company; trust in one another; positive reciprocity based on equal give-and-take between the two parties, the ability to be oneself, express one’s feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgment”.  

To attain this level of closeness, we need real intensive collaboration with our friends at the emotional and physical level over an extended period. Our virtual friends in the social networking sites can’t simply provide that kind of quality engagements with us constantly, beyond the trivial conversations. Evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar has explained this limitation theorizing that a human being is only capable of maintaining meaningful relationships with a maximum of 150 people. Beyond 150, the quality of friendships deteriorates and become impossible to sustain.

If you ask me, even 150 is too high a number. We can have just 5-15 real allies with whom we can be absolutely comfortable and be confident to plot to woo that girl with the dragon tattoo or take over the world together. 

Facebook presents a dilemma—a challenge rather— of sustaining legions of friends that we don’t even care to recall their names. Some of the friends in the Facebook are not even recognizable when we see them in the brick-and-mortar world. There is zero connection. Even then, Facebook has become unstoppable and is becoming so popular that a person not having an FB account is now considered digirati illiterate, a social dinosaur.  

I can guess five important reasons for the rise of Facebook in how it addresses some of our social needs. First, the need to reconnect with old friends – “oh there you are—in Bangalore; I was wondering where you have been”. Second, to make new friends – “she looks cute, let me add her”. Third, to keep oneself updated about what’s happening in your friends’ life – “OMG, she married her driver; I didn’t know that!” Fourth, to present our best foot forward to the world – “people, see my vacation photos and my sexy abs”. Fifth and the most important reason is: Facebook expands our network of weak ties that provides us new information and opportunities that we would not have otherwise got from our close friends. Because our close friends are limited and they are most probably from the same area, sector of profession or interests, we have nothing new to tell each other. But weak ties of some diversity who we barely know or met can lead us to new insights, opportunities and partnerships. In fact, in a survey, (I don’t remember who did it and when) it was found that 82% of the people got their jobs from references given by a weak tie.  

That’s the allure of Facebook – the possibility of little surprises coming your way in many refreshing forms. Speaking from my personal experience, an FB friend, Manas Maisnam, an accomplished cartoonist, made a caricature of my visage on my request and presented it to me. We have never met, or have we? Such exchange would have never happened had it not been for Facebook. This is just an example and there are many more.  

That’s why we carefully airbrush our profile pictures and use them as baits to attract our lost friends and useful weak ties. And as more and more people remain single by choice late into their thirties because we live in an age where education and career come first before tying the nuptial knot, Facebook will become more relevant in our lives. Being alone is no more lonely and has become more social than at any other time in our history, thanks to better communication tools. You can stay holed up in a dingy room armed only with a laptop but actually could be organizing Occupy Babupara Movement through social networking sites for all that we know. The loners are back with a vengeance.

So, don’t read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. You know why? I hate affecting sincerity and calling people by their names frequently which sounds so phony. Unfriend Dale and his principles. Friendships are not medals to be won but they are to be cherished and loved.

Welcome Mark Zuckerberg and kudos to his social mission to make the world a more transparent and connected place. His vision has turned him into a multibillionaire overnight. Now, we must milk him for what he is worth. He is a weak tie, remember. 

For comments on MY TURN articles, write to ranjanyumnam@gmail.com

12-Feb-2012 / 02:00 AM / Ranjan Yumnam / 4 Comments