Birkarnelzelzit Thiyam
I might have penned down a few years back about this story of mine but I would like to bring it back again today. Taking all my readers to a time when I was on with a lot of deep surveys over suicide survivors. I would like to bring in a friend of mine from Toronto, Canada–Amy Wright.
I met her in one of our subject training centers for what people normally call re-habilitation center for the suicide survivors. Most of the time we tend to forget what is the most important thing in life. Those who think–their lovers are the ones, they tend to contemplate suicide when their loved ones leave them. This conflict or confusion between reality and illusions will at times lead us to nothing but a stool, rope and a fan.
Keeping this opinion of mine aside for a while, there she was, in one of the healthiest summer afternoons in Canada – a pink T-shirt, a coffee and a black skirt, waiting for me as I took the appointment earlier that day. Yes – I haven’t seen anyone so beautiful like her, any guy would get smitten on seeing her. She was the definition of ‘love at first sight.’ “Hey, is this Amy? I am Bir,” that was the first existential collision between us. “Oh Bir, how are you?” went for the warmest hug after she said so.
The conversion went on like it needed a great fall, then there came the “why” of why I was there to see the pinky princess in that healthy summer afternoon. “He left me for a girl – my classmate,” she giggled between the tears. Then went on – crying, laughing, giggling and above all ‘inspiring.’
I have met thousands, I have talked to thousands but only few have touched me. The happiness I saw, the way she lights up between a frame of the story she narrated changed me. Yes readers – she tried committing suicide in her own room. A room with a high ceiling, summer fan, room no. 3, a space in a big detached home – yes, she tried. Between smiles and tears, she narrated that she tried to kill herself by hanging in her own room. Moments before that, she got really confused with what is the most important thing in her life. Without answering, she thought it was her boyfriend at that time who cheated on her. Without even re-thinking, she went inside the knot, the loop, the hope, the rope and closed her eyes for the last time. “I kicked,” she said slowly. I was not in tears but wobbly inside – I waited. She kicked the stool where she stood on to hang herself.
Dear readers, what she felt in the next 3 seconds was more like the words from heaven. The pain of dying was more painful than the ugliness of living. All that she had forgotten, all that she thought wasn’t important – flashed before her eyes. The smile of her mother, the tight hug of her father, the annoying arguments of her sister – it came before her eyes. And then in the 4th second, the urge of breathing came forceful – she wanted a second chance. So she kicked.
Kicked and kicked and kicked, her toes were in-search of the stool she kicked 4 seconds ago. She begged for a second chance – she never stopped searching for the stool. Out of all surprises, she got it, her right toes touched something – she got it, she got the balance. She held her ground and took off the knot – she saw life, she saw death. She said – that was the happiest moment of her life. She took the hard way to teach herself for what is the most important thing in life – i.e. YOU ARE ALIVE.
Most say it’s the reflex that people kick, but from that day I knew – it was the search for a second chance. So, please – those of you who think you are going through something really hard. And think that you can’t move anymore, please – YOU ARE ALIVE, keep trying – don’t give up yet. You are on the better side.
The writer is an International Awardee and also a major in International Business Marketing from Algonquin, Ottawa, Canada. He is also the Managing Director & Chief Marketing Officer of Khoihee Industries, regd. under the directorate of industries and commerce, Government of Manipur. He can be reached at
[email protected] his motivational videos on YouTube at LWB Show.