Wasteful practices: A kind of societal disease
|
John S Shilshi
Recently, an observant reader wrote an interesting and thought-provoking letter to the editor of a popular weekly, narrating how an ordinary boy’s unprecedented move almost caused a nervous breakdown for two families in Mulund who met to finalise the relationship between their son and daughter. He wrote, “When the family meeting to decide on the marriage of their son and daughter was halfway through, the boy suddenly sought time, wanting to put down some of his conditions before the relationship was finalised. Suddenly the jovial mood changed into anxiety. While the girl’s family thought he would probably spell out conditions that could be beyond their means, his own parents suspected that their son was probably about to jeopardise the family plan for finalising his marriage.
However, when the boy began to speak, the parents on both sides were stunned beyond words. The conditions he laid were nothing related to dowry or anything to do with cancellation or delay in the marriage plans, but they were all about ensuring the dignity, simplicity and respect of the marriage traditions ! His conditions were; That, there should be no pre-wedding photo or video shoots, the bride will wear a decent saree, instead of an expensive lehenga, no loud and vulgar music should be allowed during the reception except soft instrumen- tal music, the varmala (garland exchange), should be done privately by the bride and groom and not on stage, the photographer/videographer will not interfere or stop the rituals for shots–photos/videos should be taken/recorded quietly from a distance, since marriage is a sacred ceremony before the holy fire, and not a film shoot, the bride and groom will not pose unnaturally for the camera as per instruction of the photographers, the wedding ceremony must take place during the day, and the Bidaai (farewell) should be completed by evening, anyone who asks the newlyweds to hug or kiss in public will be removed from the venue, and, the reception meal should not be too lavish, but modest, and decent.
The letter wrote that “the bride’s family happily accepted all these conditions! So did his own parents.” How pertinent ! A boy who chose to follow his own convictions rather than blindly adhering to societal norms cannot but be appreciated. This humble, yet thought-provoking anecdote reminds me of an unusual stance taken by a Kashmiri family in 2004 during the marriage of their son. In total contrast to showy norms of hundreds accompanying the groom during the barat, the boy’s family decided that not more than 25 people would form the barat contingent. This, they said, was on the insistence of their son and to reduce pressure on the bride’s family. The groom’s family also took the onus of restricting the reception menu to one item each of chicken and mutton, besides the vegetable dishes. None of the guests, by the way, remarked negatively. On the other hand, everyone sincerely appreciated the bold decision.
Kashmiri weddings, otherwise, were known for their lavishness. Besides the gold and silver commitments that brides’ families are compelled to commit, there would be at least 25 different items of only chicken and mutton, cooked in different styles. The guest lists go to thousands, with caterers charging on a per-head basis. Therefore, brides’ families with meagre incomes invariably get into a state of insolvency after they marry off their daughters. This wasteful and showy practice compelled the Government of Jammu & Kashmir to order austerity measures, specifying the ceiling of guests from the bride’s side to 500 and 400 from the groom’s side. The Government order also restricts sending dry fruits and sweet packets along with the invitation cards and limits vegetarian and non- vegetarian items to seven, plus a maximum of two sweet dishes. The public widely appreciated this bold move by the Government. However, the rich, powerful, and corrupt in society continue to engage in this wasteful practice even after the Govt rules came in.
In Manipur, too, weddings and other social events are extremely wasteful, with trends being set by the rich, who in most cases amassed wealth through illegitimate means. While there is no regret that such wealth unfairly accumulated is being wasted mindlessly, the practice becoming contagious in society, including to poor families, is worrisome. Additionally, the showy display of wealth often overshadows the sanctity, solemnity, and sacredness of weddings. There are families who spent anything between 8 and 10 lakh rupees only on decorations and wedding gowns costing 4-5 lakhs. Unfortunately, people who choose to prioritise the sacred ahead of the extravaganza don’t get much support from society, including religious leaders—Priests and Pastors—even though the Bible says, ‘Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom; let not the mighty man boast in his might; let not the rich man boast in his riches’ (Jeremiah 9:23). Thus, the competition among Christians to showcase their wealth is rapidly expanding.
In Meitei society, the most beautiful and meaningful festival the community celebrates is the Ningol Chakkouba, a day when male members in the family collectively take pains to feed married daughters and sisters to strengthen their bonding with the paternal family. The festival is not only indigenous but also unpara- lleled in its concept compared to any other festivity.
However, in today’s Meitei society, the Ningol Chakkouba–a meaningful and beautiful festival–has turned into a day of discontent and a source of conflicts between brothers and sisters. In most cases, it is not the sibling bonding that determines the happiness of the Ningols but by the value of material gifted by the brothers. Can ordinary average Meitei families be faulted for this unhappy shift ? The good old practice used to be a meaningful gifting of the most essential items by the girl’s family when they got married. The hidden message being that the girl should have everything to establish her own family without any problem. This tradition is now long gone and obsolete both in the valley and the hills. Some say that to suggest austerity is considered heretical talk in today’s society.
While adapting to changing times is necessary, it’s crucial to despise wastefulness in social functions. The young and educated must understand the far-reaching consequences of societies getting intoxicated with habit of spending needlessly.
Just like a few rich people had set the trend towards this contagious disease, young people need to exercise prudence in disallowing their parents to show off that they are rich in the way they organise social functions in the families, particularly marriages. It will change the way societies think.
(The writer is a retired IPS officer, author, and the editor of www.necarf.org. Views expressed are personal)
Recently, an observant reader wrote an interesting and thought-provoking letter to the editor of a popular weekly, narrating how an ordinary boy’s unprecedented move almost caused a nervous breakdown for two families in Mulund who met to finalise the relationship between their son and daughter. He wrote, “When the family meeting to decide on the marriage of their son and daughter was halfway through, the boy suddenly sought time, wanting to put down some of his conditions before the relationship was finalised. Suddenly the jovial mood changed into anxiety. While the girl’s family thought he would probably spell out conditions that could be beyond their means, his own parents suspected that their son was probably about to jeopardise the family plan for finalising his marriage.
However, when the boy began to speak, the parents on both sides were stunned beyond words. The conditions he laid were nothing related to dowry or anything to do with cancellation or delay in the marriage plans, but they were all about ensuring the dignity, simplicity and respect of the marriage traditions ! His conditions were; That, there should be no pre-wedding photo or video shoots, the bride will wear a decent saree, instead of an expensive lehenga, no loud and vulgar music should be allowed during the reception except soft instrumen- tal music, the varmala (garland exchange), should be done privately by the bride and groom and not on stage, the photographer/videographer will not interfere or stop the rituals for shots–photos/videos should be taken/recorded quietly from a distance, since marriage is a sacred ceremony before the holy fire, and not a film shoot, the bride and groom will not pose unnaturally for the camera as per instruction of the photographers, the wedding ceremony must take place during the day, and the Bidaai (farewell) should be completed by evening, anyone who asks the newlyweds to hug or kiss in public will be removed from the venue, and, the reception meal should not be too lavish, but modest, and decent.
The letter wrote that “the bride’s family happily accepted all these conditions! So did his own parents.” How pertinent ! A boy who chose to follow his own convictions rather than blindly adhering to societal norms cannot but be appreciated. This humble, yet thought-provoking anecdote reminds me of an unusual stance taken by a Kashmiri family in 2004 during the marriage of their son. In total contrast to showy norms of hundreds accompanying the groom during the barat, the boy’s family decided that not more than 25 people would form the barat contingent. This, they said, was on the insistence of their son and to reduce pressure on the bride’s family. The groom’s family also took the onus of restricting the reception menu to one item each of chicken and mutton, besides the vegetable dishes. None of the guests, by the way, remarked negatively. On the other hand, everyone sincerely appreciated the bold decision.
Kashmiri weddings, otherwise, were known for their lavishness. Besides the gold and silver commitments that brides’ families are compelled to commit, there would be at least 25 different items of only chicken and mutton, cooked in different styles. The guest lists go to thousands, with caterers charging on a per-head basis. Therefore, brides’ families with meagre incomes invariably get into a state of insolvency after they marry off their daughters. This wasteful and showy practice compelled the Government of Jammu & Kashmir to order austerity measures, specifying the ceiling of guests from the bride’s side to 500 and 400 from the groom’s side. The Government order also restricts sending dry fruits and sweet packets along with the invitation cards and limits vegetarian and non- vegetarian items to seven, plus a maximum of two sweet dishes. The public widely appreciated this bold move by the Government. However, the rich, powerful, and corrupt in society continue to engage in this wasteful practice even after the Govt rules came in.
In Manipur, too, weddings and other social events are extremely wasteful, with trends being set by the rich, who in most cases amassed wealth through illegitimate means. While there is no regret that such wealth unfairly accumulated is being wasted mindlessly, the practice becoming contagious in society, including to poor families, is worrisome. Additionally, the showy display of wealth often overshadows the sanctity, solemnity, and sacredness of weddings. There are families who spent anything between 8 and 10 lakh rupees only on decorations and wedding gowns costing 4-5 lakhs. Unfortunately, people who choose to prioritise the sacred ahead of the extravaganza don’t get much support from society, including religious leaders—Priests and Pastors—even though the Bible says, ‘Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom; let not the mighty man boast in his might; let not the rich man boast in his riches’ (Jeremiah 9:23). Thus, the competition among Christians to showcase their wealth is rapidly expanding.
In Meitei society, the most beautiful and meaningful festival the community celebrates is the Ningol Chakkouba, a day when male members in the family collectively take pains to feed married daughters and sisters to strengthen their bonding with the paternal family. The festival is not only indigenous but also unpara- lleled in its concept compared to any other festivity.
However, in today’s Meitei society, the Ningol Chakkouba–a meaningful and beautiful festival–has turned into a day of discontent and a source of conflicts between brothers and sisters. In most cases, it is not the sibling bonding that determines the happiness of the Ningols but by the value of material gifted by the brothers. Can ordinary average Meitei families be faulted for this unhappy shift ? The good old practice used to be a meaningful gifting of the most essential items by the girl’s family when they got married. The hidden message being that the girl should have everything to establish her own family without any problem. This tradition is now long gone and obsolete both in the valley and the hills. Some say that to suggest austerity is considered heretical talk in today’s society.
While adapting to changing times is necessary, it’s crucial to despise wastefulness in social functions. The young and educated must understand the far-reaching consequences of societies getting intoxicated with habit of spending needlessly.
Just like a few rich people had set the trend towards this contagious disease, young people need to exercise prudence in disallowing their parents to show off that they are rich in the way they organise social functions in the families, particularly marriages. It will change the way societies think.
(The writer is a retired IPS officer, author, and the editor of www.necarf.org. Views expressed are personal)