She came in, never thought her beauty could be disturbed by the scars; unlucky her. Her charming face was blanketed by scars. Surprisingly; behind the scars, there was a scarcity of fear in everything, happiness bubbled her. Just after she sat down next to me, I smiled, just to ring an alarm for attention, she responded with a forwarded smile. That five minutes with her gave me ever-lasted goosebumps for many months. She was no one but a survivor; survivor from a suicide attempt, a person who saved herself from herself; she jumped from the third floor.
“How did it happen?” was the first sentence that broke the silence. Her reply, the words, that still rings loud in my ears was, “I was a person who used to overthink for nothing, I just kept thinking - stretching and stressing over any issue. My mom; I loved her so much but she left us, not in the sense that she died but she got married to another man,” she opened up her inner scars. I kept nodding, waiting for more to be unfolded. “It was hard for me, she left me no option, I had to jump down from the third floor,” she broke down. It’s not like she had no choice but she was just pushed unprepared into the fast-paced environment where she had to question a lot against her existence in the unwelcomed condition.
“That was in the afternoon, after gaining all the courage to kill myself, I got up to jump down from the balcony. I was ready, the pain pushed me to kill myself, I thought ‘death’ would take everything away. I decided to escape, afraid to live even a moment more. I reached the edge, I saw the height, something forced me to step back but finally the momentum dragged me to the flow, and suddenly I was flying – flying over death. I still remember the voice, the voice of fear spoke loud and clear that this was more horrible than bearing my mom’s lost,” she paused to wipe her tears off.
“I started regretting my decision when I remembered my father, my brother, my friends and even my small dog. All these happened in those few seconds when I was just above death. And then, I made a slight contact with death by breaking both my hands and legs, but it wasn’t worst enough to go up forever. It instead left me with forever scars,” then she smiled.
I didn’t know, if I have to smile or not but just to carry on the inertia, I smiled back. “Do you know why people kick their legs when they hang themselves?” before I even have the chance to think of what to answer, she said, “because they regret their decision and wanna rewind to that moment just before they put that rope around their neck, to abort their decision.” I realized something, something struck me, never could I explain why but I just felt happy that I am breathing freely.
I forgot to even say bye to her. I just walked away, blessed for even the smallest matter. Then, before I could recover from my happiness, it was too late to jump back – I was already walking through the busy traffic. I got hit not by a car but by a slap from my friend, shaking me out of that dream. At first, I thought I was in hospital, then I saw my unwashed shocks piled up in the corner of the room – that confirmed that it was all a dream.
It’s one of those dreams that I have carried in my heart, a dream I never want to see turned into reality, just a dream that I want everyone to dream. I realized that suicide is not a question of bravery, or maybe it is only for those who don’t kick their legs while they hang themselves.
Few days later, so inspired from that dream. I saw this girl on the bridge, I saw no one around her, I went close to her. She was looking so intently down the river, with so much concentration. I took no time in concluding that she was trying to commit suicide, so I just pulled her back. We both fell down with the sudden movement. She got up, slapped me and said, “Hey you Fool! I dropped my car keys, so I was brooding over it.” Sometimes, taking on so much responsibilities inside our head is also bad.
The writer is a Motivational orator, who currently resides in Canada. Subscribe to his YouTube channel ‘Live With Bir’ to watch motivational videos every Friday and Sunday. He can be reached at [email protected]
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