Dr Sumedha Kushwaha
God swear, human relationships is the most complicated topic ever for anyone to write. I mean, a scientist who sends out a spaceship can calculate precisely what time it will come back to earth. But, the dynamics between two humans- complicated, unpredictable and emotional.
When two people meet, the mind gestures one of these three signals- “Umm” (you like the person) or “Hmm” (you don’t like the person) or “UmHm” (don’t even want your waste energy to like to dislike- it’s a vibe mismatch).
Now, for any relationship to bloom, the first factor is “vibe”. It’s a very intuitive factor, which means something that it is beyond reason. Without romanticizing the situation and irrespective of gender, think of an example where you meet a fine person who looks good, speaks well, has been working for several years, has won many laurels and so on- after several minutes of conversation- you hope that you don’t ever meet that person again. Not the person is bad but without reason, you know that there is something that just didn’t click.
On the other hand, you meet someone very disoriented and clumsy and you know that this person is very different from you. But, you still invest time to know that fellow better. No reason again, there is something that works between the two of you. Why? This is why predictability in relationships is very poor. Whom you meet, when you meet, how you meet is absolutely not of concern – the thing is “what clicked”. No wonder Tinder is now becoming the new Jeevansathi.So, this instant click is something very interesting. Next time you interact with anyone, observe it.
Most people say that communication is very important in a relationship- rebellious teenagers and parents talk better in the presence of a psychiatrist. But, once they reach home, they can’t stand each other for even a moment. The child bangs the door shut and parents don’t even know what wrong they have done? Very common scenario.
In my opinion, the second factor that governs any relationship is “silence”. It is the silence that does most talking. Communication without words is an essential factor in any relationship. I mean, you can’t keep talking all the time. So, how comforting is that silent space that you hold for any person is crucial. It is like when you have two sets of people in life- one who keeps telling you how much they love you and so on. And the other, who probably are quieter but make you feel special. The odds are that you will be drawn to someone to whom you can talk about yourself (because everyone wants to talk about themselves), whose views and perspectives you appreciate (everyone looks forward to gain something new every moment, if someone talks the same stuff forever- it is difficult to survive) and with whom silence serves as a golden thread that sews together the words and emotions. When silence between two people becomes unnerving- probably it is time to think!
The third factor- that can be fruitful is “Freedom”. Each and every human being aspires one thing and that is freedom. Noone wants to be told what to do, how to do, when to do. When you press your thoughts- good or bad on someone and expect them to behave in a manner that pleases you- Please wear your seatbelts because you are taking off to destination doom. When any relationship is bossy, suggestive and dominating, the odds are that one fine day, it will stop working.
Relationships are probably the best things ever. Be it a parent and a child, siblings, spouses, girlfriend- boyfriend, simple friends, two humans who don’t know what name to give it but just feel comfortable and empowered in each other’s presence, boss and employee, colleagues, batch mates, your security guard/driver/house help and you. I mean any living interaction is beautiful. (I am excluding pets because they are too adorable for this discussion). It is pious.
I guess the source of most problems is either of the two –one, when we do not know ourselves well or two when we are so enlightened and connected to our spiritual self that nothing bothers us anymore.
When we do not know ourselves well- we are utterly judgmental about everyone else around. We have a fault finding mindset. We want to dominate and push around. Our mind keeps strategizing how we will teach the other person a lesson. Haha!
The second situation- that we know who we are so well, that now whatsoever other people keep doing doesn’t bother you anymore. You are so well connected with the source within that now all the good and bad is nothing but an experience. And probably this is when you realize that most attributes of a successful relationship lie in intangible things like the vibe, silence and freedom.
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